Bad cripple. Great blog.

I am starting to search online for information on pediatric wheelchairs for my son. My searches led me to this blog: Bad Cripple

Aside from loving the blog name, I find his cynism a little refreshing. It's hard being so positive all the time. I try to be thankful. I try to remember that we are not entitled to our own heart beats, let alone 5 x 60minutes/week of physical therapy covered by the BOE. And while our son is still a child, being disabled is kind of cute and endearing. And our son, B'h, he is absolutely charming. He is a piece of shamayim, to quote his PT, right here on earth for us. I could go on, but I'll stop here.

Hashem wants us to do hishtadlus, and Bad Cripple is a Good Help for that. He reminds me about the general outlook. And I have a story coming up that would suit his blog quite well...

Meanwhile, the blog is a good read for anyone who wants to gain a little sensitivity to people with disabilities. Here's a new favorite: Being Dissed at Wegmans

Wishing you all of Hashem's open brachas in perfect abundance,
Rivka Devora

Looks

As I was hanging up my pilly Old Navy maxi skirts, of which I have 2 of each color, black and grey (all pilly), I wondered... Why am I hanging them up? Why did I bother to wash them on gentle? They already look like crap.

But I don't like shopping. Not that I hate it, just that I value productivity, and the point of shopping is (just my opinion but) to adhere to the laws of tznius, and to not be seen as a Flatbush Frumpy (in my part of town).

The nice part about not wanting to be a frumpy nebach is that I can interpret it as just wanting to smoothly fit in; not wanting to be stared at, or drawn attention to, both of which would be un-tznius. And so, really, it's all about tznius.

Unfortunately, my kevana is stuck on the frumpy nebach part. Putting my kevana into the fact that my pursuit of this goal could really be a mitzva, is hard.

That's the religious part of it, but there's another part: Before I was frum, I would wake up, get dressed, and go out into the world among strangers. I'd spend my day among strangers, in the clothes I decided on that morning, and think: Do I like this look? How do I feel? How am I received?

The next day, I can change it, and go out among different strangers, a completely new person. I could reset myself every day.

There are no strangers here in Flatbush. If I dress a certain way in public, everyone is labeling me, and storing that information. It's a hard box to get out of. What are they thinking if I decide to be ambitious one day and dress differently? If I dress more yeshivish? More "Flatbush Fabulous?" More hippie-cool?

And what are they thinking if it didn't work out and I go back to Flatbush Frumpy?

I used to not care what people thought about this type of thing, and I had no reason to, because they didn't care. People here care. So now, I feel like I'm in the Flatbush Fishbowl.

So what's the right attitude?

It's my job to dress tznius. Hashem also wants me to feel good about myself, so I do my best to find a tznius outfit I feel confident in. I notice the people around me, but I can choose not be made uncomfortable. My service to Hashem is to love them, and dress as well as I can. Any wardrobe issues, be it pilly skirts, or a day here and there of poor choices, so long as I put in my effort, is from Hashem. I thank Hashem for the challenge. I ask Him for help. I ask for a refuah shleima for my son, and I do my best to move on, and to be happy and serve Him with joy all the while.

What if the only tznius outfit I'm comfortable in is, um, not tznius?
B'h, I don't personally have this problem, so I'm really not sure. Maybe a good MO rav would know.
Although now that I think about it, maybe by some people's standards, I DO have this problem...

What if, as a result of people's opinions on how I dress, my opportunities become limited...
What can I say, everything is from Hashem. If He wants an opportunity to come my way, it will. If not, not.

Wishing you all of Hashem's open brachas in perfect abundance,
Rivka Devora

Frum Writing

I feel like I can categorize frum writing into 2:

The first is mainstream, Mishpacha* style - It is idealistic. Details are omitted because they don't want to offend anyone. Don't get me wrong, it can be very inspiring, if you let it. They want to take you to 100, but if you're not starting already at 50, you'll never get there.

I remember, some years ago, reading about a couple - was it in Israel? - who had given birth to their first child, a special needs child (perhaps it was even Spina Bifida, but I don't recall). They went on to have another baby, who was also born with special needs. But this next part I remember clearly, though the quote isn't word for word, "The couple realized that they couldn't have healthy children, and so they decided to adopt special needs children and create a home where they could thrive." Without skipping a beat, the article went on to talk about the amazing things this inspiring couple does.

I got a little hung up on, "THE COUPLE REALIZED THAT THEY COULDN'T HAVE HEALTHY CHILDREN." Where's the emotional turmoil? Was this, um, DIFFICULT for them? Where's the... angst?! I guess that's not what the article was about, and that's fine. I can only speak for myself. Their journey towards understanding and accepting this reality would have been more appealing to me than all the fluff about more great Jews who are malachim; above and beyond.

It IS wonderful to see how there is no shortage of great Jews doing great and amazing things. But as a growing person, I value the journeyi: The inner struggles, the victories, and the setbacks. Don't glaze over the pain. It is a big part of what gives our lives meaning. 

But seeing as I'm so biased with regards to special needs, that wasn't the best example of what I'm talking about.

"Preparing for Pesach" inspiration is a better example. Most of that writing is contrived garbage, and the best part about it is that it's by men who 'just show up.' I could write pages of complaints about Pesach prep. But the right thing for me to do would be to delete it all, and then just write something positive and inspiring - or if I couldn't do that, just delete it all, period. The latter would get me more points in shamayim, it's true. The latter type of writing style is the one everyone uses because it's the right one.

Man.

The 2nd category are the OTD** (or borderline OTD) writers. They let it all hang out. They are the polar opposite of mainstream, just as they intend to be. Such as Frum Satire.

I'm not really a writer. I'm not even a blogger. I don't even know what I'm doing here! But since I'm typing these things out, I'll just say that I do know that I need to stay in the white and write what's right, even if it annoys me. I wish I could at least be close enough to the line to reach people who are at 0. Or -100. But I still need to be in the white. That's just how it is.

Wishing you all of Hashem's open brachas in perfect abundance,
Rivka Devora

*Mainstream orthodox Jewish magazine

**"Off the Derech," people who used to be orthodox Jews, and then dropped out.

It's sink or swim! Let's jump right in.

So let's jump right in. Right.

I actually started a WordPress blog at first, and named it Nothing You Can't Handle. It was referring to, what we commonly hear: Hashem doesn't give you anything you can't handle.

I wanted a cool blog that all the hippie Lubavitch Jews (I'm not Lubavitch, but they make the best hippies) could appreciate. And for that, I needed angst! So my first post talked about how much I dislike the above-referenced phrase, and how I believe it should be replaced with, "Sink or swim." I went on to talk about how difficult everything is and how you're just stuck with it etc etc... ears bleeding etc... I posted it, but I didn't advertise the blog to anyone, and then I went to bed.

But I thought about it, and I thought about what I want to accomplish here (as in my LIFE, not this BLOG), and I decided that if I want to be a good, positive person, who is happy and makes her family and those around her happy, angst was not the way to go. So I followed my Yetzer HaTov and started this blog. Aptly named, I think.

I look forward to sharing with you: Sharing my experiences with my special needs child, both in terms of my spiritual growth, as well as practically. (Just ignore what doesn't apply to you.)  I look forward to sharing my frustrations and victories of v'ahavta l'reiacha kamocha and other mitzvos in the ben adam l'chaveiro category - in the heart of Flatbush Brooklyn. And if you live here, you know why that's bold.

Finally, I hope to share with you my momminess. The joys and joys* of raising wonderful little kids.

Wishing you all of Hashem's open brachas in perfect abundance,
Rivka Devora

*edited