Hi, I'm Roni and I'm a love addict. I think. I'm pretty sure. Maybe also a sex addict.

Has it really been 6 years since I typed into my digital journal?

I’m glad to say, at least I wrote - hand wrote - in physical journals. One of which CZ gave me. Classy leather… with my initials.

She had great taste. I ended our relationship in September of 2024. I dated for a while since then - badly. I still am. It’s awful in many ways, and I’m trying to come to terms that I’m a love addict. I’ve gone to meetings for about 2 weeks now… There are so many, each with a different focus, and different demographic as well.

“LAA Daily zoom group for stepwork”

“SLAA LGBTQIA+ group”

“SLAA Women and Nonbinary daily Toplines group”

What the fuck are toplines, I thought.

“LAA Women only whatsapp group” where, in searching for a sponsor, members repeatedly point out they are “heterosexual”, which I can’t help but feel is subtle way of trying to say “no dykes” ← But then - is that just what I think because I’m a love addict?

Everyone keeps wanting everyone to go to meetings. So I go, because I want to be good at this. I want to fix myself. Oh wait - I can’t fix myself. A higher power has to do that.

But It can’t be the same higher power that made sure my son would never walk.

And it can’t be the higher power that waited until I had cancer before giving me some semblance of self emotional awareness.

And it can’t be the higher power that fucks me over with said cancer again, and again, and again.

I know that higher power very well. For 10 plus years, I have prayed to him in open abundance. I have given him my very essence of being. I have turned all will towards him. I have done all that he asked of me through every vessel. I joined positive thinking visualization groups focusing on his presence in our life and the abundance he can - and will, of course - pour into us. I did ALL THE THINGS. I saw his miracles in every breath I took - because there were no open miracles to see. Not even the hidden miracle of being one of the 999 mothers out of 1000 who had a pregnancy without an NTD. That was low hanging fruit, god. Come on.

To be fair, I’m proud of the person I’ve become thanks to my son’s birth. I think more critically now. I see social constructs better now. And part of that is realizing the power that rests in myself - that reliance on god was a fool’s way out and putting my trust in him was a mistake.

I also know my ex very well. For five plus years, I have told her I loved her. I put her first. I did all she asked of me. I gave to her as much as I had. I bought a home for us, believing if I just gave, I’d also receive. I did ALL THE THINGS. But there was nothing to see except my halting faith, stuck in time, frozen right before a precipice like I can’t move; “don’t move, it will happen” stuck on repeat. But she couldn’t even spend summers with me. That was low hanging fruit, CZ. Come on.

How do I have faith in a higher power when he was just one of my exes.

So now. After one decade lost, the next decade in  god-dysfunction, and over 5 years with a breadcrumber, I’m supposed to form a higher power. I feel like others are starting from zero and I’m starting from negative one hundred. I really don’t know what to do.